If you are participating in my Versus Tour de France daily online live chat (and if you’re not shame on you!) print out the list below (or view it on the Browne Eye Mobile app) and on the corresponding stage listen for Paul and Phil’s catch phrase or random comment. When you hear the phrase take a strong pull on your morning beverage of choice. Depending on the stage and my mood, I may be drinking a bloody mary, coffee chased with espresso and/or my fav beer of the week.

One added caveat to this game is that you are not allowed to leave and relieve yourself of any internal biological pressure that may be building due to the inordinate amount of liquid you are ingesting. What I mean is you can’t get up to pee – you need to hold it.

Also, some phrases are worth double gulps**, so be prepared with enough of your beverage to continue throughout the whole stage. If you run out of your drink before the stage is over is considered a rookie move and shows a lack of planning. Don’t be that guy – plan ahead.

For the hard core players, I’m adding the option of drinking a Red Dragon for sightings of the infamous Devil.

As an added bonus I’ve included a couple of Tour de France ring tones. Amaze your cycling friends and annoy your co-workers with the Versus Cycling theme song and a Tour de France car horn. (To use these as your ringtones, download the files to your PC desktop and drag them into your iTunes library.  For further assistance, I suggest Googling for instructions.)

Leipheimer - winner of Gila or part of the conspiracy?

Once again I need to step in and sort shit out and this time it’s the Tour of the Gila. This proud race was on the verge of extinction until SRAM stepped in with some much needed sponsorship dollars. To further pump life back into this New Mexico stage race Armstrong and crew for the past two years have added this event to their calendar as they ramp up their training for the Tour of California. Plus Gila has podium girls with sick tatts. Talk about a score! With all that going for it you’d think that they might have somewhat organized results. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so like I said, I have stepped in to sort this shit-show out.

First off let’s get to the bottom of the final general classification. There is the obvious snafu during the podium awards. David Zabriskie is brought onto the stage for third overall and then after the ceremony is over there’s a “do-over” and Phil Zajicek is brought onto the podium and he’s awarded third instead. According to the “officials” he beat DZ by nine seconds in the stage. This is where it gets mathematically strange. Zabriskie had a ten second buffer over the Fly V rider at the start of the stage. I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson, but even I know that doesn’t add up. There’s only one way to solve this dilemma in a civilized manner – poetry slam. First round consists of rhyming about their last names. Second round’s theme is slams against each others directors and final slam is crowd choice. Best two out of three is third place overall in general classification.

Landis - the true winner of Gila

There was some controversy regarding the second and third place finishers of today’s stage. French Canadian photojournalist Lyne Lamoureux has been attending all the major American races this year, tweeting results and writing race reports. She had her trigger finger on the trusty Canon as riders crossed the finish line. Her finish line photo clearly shows Rob Britton of Bissell rolling across for second and on his rear wheel is Max Jenkins for third. The race officials didn’t see it that way and swapped the results: Jenkins second, Britton third. It’s hard to dispute photographic evidence but I think it might go deeper than that. I suspect a French Canadian conspiracy afoot and Lamoureux is trying to spread discontent among the riders with a doctored photo! I see no other alternative but to let the results stand, deport Lamoureux and not allow her into the country until she eliminates at least half of those vowels from her name. Clearly she added the “x” just to mess with us.

Because of this obvious French Canadian conspiracy I also truly doubt that Leipheimer really won. Why should I believe anything at this point? The only logical winner is Floyd Landis of OUCH/Bahati Foundation. So there you go Tour of the Gila – problem solved.

And the best excuse you could come up with was snow? Next stop, Tour of California.

All smiles after a happy finish

Sometimes the mainstream “gotcha media” misses the true stories. This is never more obvious than the story I found buried in Eurosport regarding the recent Liege-Bastone-Liege. After I translated the story from what I think is French to English (and those who follow my Twitter translations of streaming videos know how spot-on it is) Spanish rider Alejandro Valverde in order to assure himself second place on the podium of Le Doyenne, “beat off Philippe Gilbert to win the sprint.”

While not entirely surprising that such underhanded tactics are employed to insure a podium position, I’m just shocked that a UCI chaperon did not spot these shenanigans occurring. I thought they were more closely monitored. And it begs the question, were any dirty deals done with Vinokourov? I just hope the rest of the media is doing their due diligence in getting to the bottom of this potentially sticky situation

As a result of his fourth place Gilbert is now sitting atop of the recent UCI rankings. Be assured I will continue to scan the foreign press unearthing any and all information on this developing story.

Sit back and enjoy nerds…

Lance looks thrilled

A couple years ago Trek unveiled their 2008 Madone road bike in Madison, Wisconsin. This new Madone was a break from the OCLV frames we’d seen from them in the past, so it was a big deal for the company. The Madone was launched with a lot of fanfare in a theater in downtown Madison with not only word wide press but their dealers as well. After the presentation was over, myself, a friend and a few marketing people from Trek decided to go out. It was still early and we’d heard Main Street was the place to be. Long story short – we stayed out to a point that the company’s marketing people who were with us and our ride back, called it a night. I’ve been lost in all sorts of foreign countries and found my way to my hotel so I wasn’t worried about getting back to the ours in Madison.

When the bars closed my buddy and I found a cab that would take us back to our hotel for the remaining amount of money we still had in our pockets. Good times.

The following morning all the attending journalists were going to ride the new Madone and the recently retired Lance Armstrong was going to join us. Needless to say that was like throwing chum into the ocean. All the journalists were worked up into a frenzy about getting a chance to ask Lance something. As we prepped our Madones in the hotel parking lot, Armstrong, out of the blue, rolled over looking to get the ride started and over with. I actually don’t blame him. He must have known he was going to get hammered with cycling questions during the whole ride. I had another idea though.

We rolled out of the hotel and immediately it began- the jostling to be next to Lance. I snuck my way behind him and I could already hear him fielding such questions as, “what was your favorite climb?” Finally, I slid in next to him and introduced myself. I asked the obligatory questions about the Madone, he responded appropriately hitting all the bullet points in describing the bike. After his replies I deviated from the script.

I launched into telling him about our time on State Street. He seemed to be honestly interested in the good time my BFFand I had. Perhaps it was the welcome break of describing over and over the ride qualities of the Madone that made my conversation interesting. By the time I was done regaling him with stories of passed students in the gutter, tossing a sofa into the street, running up bar tabs and waking up CyclingNews’ James Huang for cab money, it was well over five minutes. I knew that it was better to end the conversation on a high note of our stupid late night antics than just puttering out with a lame story of eating hotel breakfast food. I told him thanks, slid off the front and back into the group of quote hungry journalists.

Lance gives the low-down on the Madone

An American journalist rode over to me and asked me how I was able to spend that much time talking to him. I said think about it, he’s rich and (at the time) single, what do you think we talked about?

On press junkets the company educates journalists on their new product. But I like to think that on that trip I educated some people on the potentiality of the good times to be had on State Street.

Floyd Landis - behind the scenes

The Boulevard road race in San Diego county is the unofficial kick-off to southern California racing. It’s not uncommon to have visiting pros line up and compete in this tough road race. Weather conditions in the town of Boulevard during this time of year range from oppressive heat to snow to everything in between. This year’s edition rain is in the forecast which will make it a ‘hard man’s race’ – something Landis relishes. The category 1/2 pro field will complete four loops of the  Boulevard course for a total of 90 miles. According to the race flier, each loop consists of 3,100 feet of climbing for a total of over 12,400 feet when it is all said and done.

Just prior to the race Landis shared with me some photos which illustrates what really happens in the Landis RV prior to a race. Each image is more compelling than the next as he pulls aside the curtain and lets us take a look at his preparation as well as the people that make it happen. RACE UPDATE – click “Read More”

[View with PicLens]

Images best viewed by clicking on PicLens

RACE UPDATE

Still coughing and desperately trying to get warm, Floyd Landis took the time to tell me about his second place in the Boulevard road race. According to Landis, a break went away early and gained several minutes on the peloton. However, the as the miles started to add up on the undulating Boulevard course, the break fell apart with one lap remaining. Coming into the finale, Garmin U-23 rider Caleb Fairly surged away taking the win. Landis came across for second and according to reports from the race site Bahati Foundation rider Devan Dunn was third. I was only able to speak to Landis for a short amount of time before our phone connection was dropped. I’ll post more as it becomes available.

Browne Eye: How were the weather conditions today?
Floyd Landis: It was f’ing poring. At least it wasn’t snowing like last year. But even with all that rain the crowds were still in the double digits. I want to thank everyone who came out today.

Browne Eye: You came in for second place – what kind of money do you get for that?
Landis: Five-hundred dollars! Do you think the bank will put a hold on that amount of cash?

Browne Eye: I think maybe they’ll want to see some kind of personal identification, but I’m really not sure. What are you going to do with all that money?
Landis: I like money. That’s why I’m doing this [racing]. However, I do want to do something philanthropic so I’m donating a portion of it to “The Center for Kids That Can’t Climb Good”. If I don’t do something charitable with some of this money I’ll get pushed into a higher tax bracket. I’m going to take some meetings with financial advisers to see what I should do with the rest. I do need to refill my propane tank at the Chevron so in the immediate future that’s where some of the money will go. Maybe invest in the stock market?

Browne Eye: Tomorrow is the Red Trolley criterium. Will you be racing?
Landis: I think the rest of this week will be filled with meetings with my advisers on what my next step will be. Also I have got to get back to the golf course as the “Quiet Please” sign holder. That’s my real source of income.

Once you see this sign abandon all hope

The Interbike bike show for the working media is a complete shit show. There’s really no other way to explain or sugar-coat it. Each year I went as an editor I could have written a post about all the shenanigans that occur: from the photo shoots in our hotel room, to hanging out to all hours of the night with various pros, but I thought I’d pick this story out of the hat.

The first year I attended as working media I was actually excited about attending. I was going to hang out in Las Vegas and see the latest and greatest bike stuff. What more could I want? By day three I was destroyed from all the walking from meeting to meeting. At one point my BFF who works at another magazine saw me collapsed on the floor behind a booth and severely reprimanded me. I tried to explain to him that I was exhausted. This wasn’t exhaustion due to late night partying, but from the whole day of zig-zagging the expo floor, bouncing from one appointment to another and subsisting on free sugary energy drinks and heat-lamp cooked hot dogs. I’ll always remember what he said, “Suck it up! Everyone here is playing hurt!” The following year I promised myself that wasn’t going to be “that guy” who pulled the ripcord on day three.

The years following “playing hurt” became my motto and I lived it. Back before Cross Vegas dominated the Wednesday night scene there was the epic Sinclair party. And as I look back at it I wonder why it was such a big deal. We were all crammed into an overflowing nightclub at the top of some casino, with music so loud you couldn’t talk to the same people I had to have meetings with throughout the day. However I had a plan. We would arrive at the party early as I knew that later in the evening trying to get to the bar would be an almost impossible task. From there phase 2 of my plan was that I would immediately start pounding drinks to take advantage of the open bar. By the time it was 11:00 I would have drank myself mostly sober and be able to continue with that night’s activities, whatever they may have been. However, it all went horribly wrong.

The show floor - where the magic happens

As planned Tim and I got to the Sinclair party with passes in hand and I headed to the bar. A few British journalists were already there with probably the same idea I had: take advantage of the open bar, pound free booze and then take off. I started drinking and chatting. I know a few of them – in particular Ellis Bacon of Pro Cycling. Ellis is a great guy, but whenever I see him I can’t help myself by saying, “What’s shaking Bacon?!” With a few drinks in me I’m now over the top with my enthusiastic greeting. I’m sure to this day he probably considers me that ugly American. But seriously, I can’t be the only one who has said that to him? When the open bar ended I thought I was done too. However by this time the marketing people have started to arrive and began handing me free drinks. Before I knew it I was plowed. There have only been a few times when I was black-out drunk. This was one of them.

I vaguely remember getting into a taxi to get back to the Venetian hotel where we were staying. I awoke to the room spinning and the uncontrollable urge to get everything out of my stomach immediately. For the next couple of hours I hovered by the toilet praying to God that he would end my life. Tim graciously stepped up to cover my morning appointments. Finally around 11:00 AM I could stand up and make my way to the show floor. I dragged myself down and started to make my appointments. At one point I felt something trying to come up and I hurried to the men’s bathroom. I quickly walked over to the nearest one, trying not to make it seem that obvious I was going to hurl. I rounded the corner, entered the bathroom and was hit with the stench of vomit mixed with urine and other human waste. The floors were slick with god knows what and every counter top was wet. And you can forget about paper towels. In the far stall I heard the unmistakable sound of someone bent over a toilet yacking their guts out. I’ve smelt all kinds of foul odors from dead bodies, baby shit to burning flesh, but few things smell as bad as that bathroom did. It was as if I entered Dante’s fifth layer of hell. I choked back any urge to vomit and quickly spun around on my heels. I would rather at this point go to the PowerBar booth and stick my head into their garbage can to puke then stay in that hell hole of a bathroom.

At one point I caught up to my friend and I told him what had happened. He had done something similar but he was not looking that worse for wear. It was then that I realized I was still a rookie at playing hurt at Interbike.

The following years I calmed down a bit when attending Interbike. I met some great people at the show and did some more normal mature activities like going for a drink instead of emptying every bottle behind the bar. It also helped that I talked a lot of shit about how I was going to win Cross Vegas and was trying to impress at the industry criterium race, so I needed to at least keep myself in check.

I didn’t attend the 2009 Interbike because I had just left ROAD and to be honest I didn’t miss it. I thought I would, but the thought of walking up and down the aisles listening to advertisers drone on about whatever product they have, no longer holds the same magic for me. That said, it looks like I’ll be attending the 2010 Interbike in some sort of media capacity and I expect to have plenty of stories to tell.

I’m at the Specialized launch and rooming with Cushionbury of Bicycling Magazine. We’re bored so that means one thing, we’re drinking.

As I have mentioned before, I rent the car for these trips. I reason being is that I enjoy beating the crap out of them. I don’t know why. I blame poor parenting. Anyways, so we are ripping down the side of the Brasstown Bald Mountain and Tim has to have his window open so he doesn’t get car sick. Another trick he has is to eat sunflower seeds to take his mind off the fact that I’m careening around turns in the Madza 5. I think Tim wants to kill me while I’m sleeping.

Cameron Fox is racing for Sho-Air/Sonace and he contested the tt in this helmet. Fox is a little odd.