The internet was created for two reasons and this video is one of the reasons. The Bike Gallery in Jacksonville, North Carolina took the club song, “Sexy and I know it” by LMFAO and created a spoof video. To say that is “just awesome” is not giving the producers full credit.

The two minutes and forty seconds of music goodness is jam packed full of elements that make it a hit. First off – tattoos – everyone seems to have them. From the cyclists to the young girls in the convertible Cadillac and you know what – I love it! Also at the 19-second mark Andy Schleck makes an appearance riding a BMX bike and later does a coasting wheelie! Suck on that Contador! Did I also mention that it features fixie hipsters and a green suited gimp? So in case you haven’t seen it please enjoy…

Thanks to Laura Weislo for pointing this out.

Versus is proud to announce another addition to our award-winning commentary team – Neil Browne. As you may know, Neil is a prolific blogger, consummate tweet artist and a very big deal in the cycling industry. These past months we were amazed by his untapped abilities in video blog production. Although his early style resembled hostage videos, over time they morphed into something that is strangely watchable. We here at Versus think that Neil is a lump of coal that can become a diamond. And let’s face it, we needed to have someone behind the desk that hadn’t witnessed first hand the German Blitzkrieg over London.

“Last year at the Amgen Tour of California was the first time I’ve spent any time with Neil,” said Versus commentator Phil Liggett. “He really knew how to make a good cup of tea – which is very important if he’s to be part of the crew. Plus, he knows a lot of random facts about French churches, vineyards and towns that the Tour passes through. That takes a load off of me and I can focus on my tea.”

“Neil is a wealth of cycling knowledge,” confirmed CEO of Versus/Comcast/NBC Sports Max Schumacher. “He can rattle off the most insignificant fact about any stage in the Tour de France. Originally I thought he was retarded like Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man. Turned out he really just liked cycling!”

“I’m excited to be apart of the Versus/Comcast/NBC Sports family,” said Browne proudly. “I have gotten into the habit of shaving daily and being mostly sober when it comes time to be on air. The whole mix-up with Interpol is cleared so I’m allowed to enter Europe again. I’ve also perfected the way Phil and Paul like their tea. I hear Paul’s a real ball buster about how he likes a nip of “talking juice” in his afternoon tea.”

Having recently moved to South Carolina Neil will also be called upon to cover rodeo. He has been working on his Southern drawl and learned to tip back his Stetson cowboy hat at the end of every sentence.

Bad ass goatee? Check!

The sporting world has gone ape-shit crazy over Sport’s Illustrated article on alleged doping by seven time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. But really for most of us there isn’t much new information. Sure the Don Catlin accusations are interesting and will surely cause the “Master of P.R. Disaster” Mark Fabini to clock in for some overtime pay, but hey that’s why he’s paid the big bucks. In all the excitement of comments from lawyers, public relations people and Armstrong himself, let’s not forget the riders in the professional peloton.

Englishman Brad Wiggins stated to CyclingNews.com, “I think you have to question Landis’ credibility because he lied under oath before and the stories that you hear about him drinking and things like that and you know, [making] telephone calls to people I know, threatening them with things, you just think that the guy appears to not all be there. So when you see these kinds of claims in the press you have to question his credibility because it’s almost like it’s coming from a mad man, but at the same time maybe that’s all borne out of frustration and things.”

And as readers of my blog know, Landis – broke, crazy and living in a shack – does not have the financial resources to hit back against these claims. Instead he has The Beazed who is not afraid to let people know his bark is worse than his bite.

The corgi - nature's most perfect killing machine

Reports from the New York Daily News is that Floyd Landis wore a wire tap to ensnare Michael Ball, owner of Rock Racing cycling team. The video shows footage of growth hormones in Ball’s apartment refrigerator. This led to Ball’s apartment being raided and the drugs confiscated. As of now no charges against Ball have been made public. This is not the only video footage regarding Landis. Browne Eye Media has exclusive film of Landis teaching a dog techniques to attack cyclists.

In the video Landis can be plainly seen instructing a corgi known as The Beazed to attack. Other videos show the corgi attacking and severely damaging the type of water bottles used by cyclists. But why use a corgi as an attack dog and what can Landis’ plan be once the stout animal is fully trained?

A little background is necessary on the breed called the corgi. This short legged dog is a member of the herding group and is the choice for the Queen of England. The reason? While cute and adorable the corgi can be easily trained to kill. The corgis’ teeth, when enraged, actually lengthen from the gum line making them killing machines. The short legs might seem to be a limiter, however their hindquarters are quite strong enabling them to jump several meters straight into the air. This vertical reach allows them to use their sharp teeth to rip out the necks of unsuspecting victims. Ranked one of the top 10 smartest dogs they have the ability to understand a complex plan and if necessary make adjustments to ensure completion. They are reported to have a rudimentary understanding of Windows 7 as well.

It’s evident that a corgi is nature’s most perfect killing machine but what is Landis’ plan? I can only speculate but from looking at the videos Landis seems to be running some type of corgi terrorist camp in the mountains of Southern California and is training them to attack bike racers! Can you imagine the damage done to cycling if a pack of enraged corgis attacked a peloton and ate their water bottles? Bike races would have to be canceled as dehydration would spread through the pack like fleas in July.

The corgi's teeth are perfectly designed for shredding water bottles

I contacted Landis’ publicist and he would neither confirm or deny that Landis has in fact established a secret corgi terrorist camp.

While Michael Ball and several other high profile cyclists are being investigated lets not forget so easily Floyd Landis’ evil abilities. He’s a suspected computer hacker, wire tap wearer and corgi trainer – the perfect trifecta for a trained assassin. These combined abilities are a real threat to not only cycling but to our American way of life.

Articulate, crazy, bi-polar, and annoying (!!!) are all words that have been used to describe Floyd Landis. Recently the former Tour de France winner traveled to Australia as a guest of an anti-doping conference. Officials and some riders were upset thinking that Landis’ presence at the conference would overshadow the World Championships. However Alberto Contador’s urine sample declared positive for clenbuterol was and continues to be the story. Meanwhile, Landis has quietly sat back and granted just a few brief interviews to the media as well as any squirrel that wanders into his backyard. Browne Eye Media was able to break into his Fortress of Solitude to answer a few hard hitting questions – what scares him, how he actually intends to raise money and the possibility of a social media blitz.

Browne Eye Media: ESPN’s Bonnie Ford noted that you had a Dr Suess book on a table. You’ve mentioned in our own past interviews some books you have read. Are there any new books on the Landis’ bookshelf?
Floyd Landis: I’m afraid of books.

Landis is no longer part of the sign holders union

Browne Eye Media: How did you meet Ms Ford and invite her to the shack?
Landis: She wasn’t invited. I ran into Ms Ford as I was washing her car and selling some towels I had jimmy’d with a coat hanger from the towel machine.

Browne Eye Media: In the background of your ESPN video there seems to be a forest. Is that the golf course, the landscape behind the car wash or a freeway underpass?
Landis: That’s something they added, I was in front of a green screen. I thought it would just be some kind of a Dr Seuss theme but I guess the “professionals” at ESPN had a better idea. I get very upset when someone photoshops my pictures just like Lance does and I’m in the process of trying to retain the Master of Disaster.

Browne Eye Media: You are going to use your Floyd Landis website as a site to replay donors. Can we expect other features on the site (pictures, blog….)?
Landis: No.

Browne Eye Media: To pay back donors will you be putting in extra shifts at the car wash or do some extra sign holding gigs at various golf courses?
Landis: I’ve since been banned from the Professional Sign Holders Association because of an anti-oxidant violation which I radically deny was in my organism. I tried sneaking onto the miniature golf course beside the carwash with a cardboard sign I had made but the manager threw out because it is only for “customers” according to him. Whatever that means.

Browne Eye Media: When can we expect a Facebook page so we can “Friend” you or add you to a Group?
Landis: I don’t understand the question?

Browne Eye Media: When you have to give a public statement you actually seem articulate. How heavily medicated are you during those brief moments?
Landis: Usually I do one or two transfusions just before an interview. Dealing with the out-of-competition nonsense by the PSHA has made it hard to use the good stuff. Also I eat a lot of plastic and keep the receipts.

Browne Eye Media: Does the common tree squirrel make for a good house pet or are they just for eating?
Landis: Well they can be temperamental but they don’t ask about Facebook or other books… Why are you always asking about books? There’s more to life than just books you know. This interview is over.

Browne showing his skills on the Cannondale SuperX

Cannondale is pleased to announce today that Cannondale will be the Co-Sponsor of the Liquigas Pro Cycling Team, effective January 1, 2011.

“Cannondale has built itself on creating leading, innovative products. When riders in green and blue, like Ivan Basso, Peter Sagan, and Vincenzo Nibali, are regularly defeating the competition on Cannondale’s SuperSix Hi-Mod bikes, it is hard to deny Cannondale’s commitment to creating the perfect ride,” said Bob Burbank, General Manager of Cannondale.

To further bolster the Liquigas roster an American is being added to the team – super blogger and world famous Twitter Neil Browne.

“After several body shots at a Milan bar Filippo Pozzato and I came up with the idea”, said Browne. “He liked the idea of having a wing man with him at all times. I’m known for my gift of the gab, so it seemed like a natural fit.”

While unable to grow the flowing locks of Pozzato, Browne isn’t opposed to a goatee.

“I’ve had one before and I looked bad ass, so who knows?”

The Italian Liquigas management hasn’t been quite as receptive to the inclusion of an over 40-year old master racer into a ProTour level squad.

“I’m not even sure he can ride. He claims he has a back injury not allowing him to have good sensations. He’s constantly yelling out ‘groupetto’ and ‘piano, piano’ during our training rides,” said team manger Roberto Amadio.

“I know I might have some doubters in management but look for me to step up my game at training camp. I’ll teach these fools how to really Twitter,” said a confident Browne.

It's go time

I’m not one of those guys that hates Las Vegas and I was a little bummed that Interbike after a 12 year hiatus is returning to Anaheim, California. I attended most of the shows here in Sin City and have many fond memories for the place: the parties, people I met and the rides/races I attempted. Las Vegas, you will be missed…

Yesterday was the start of Interbike and the date was circled on my calendar. No, not because this was where all the latest and greatest bike gadgets were going to be displayed – let’s be honest, a lot of that happened at Euro Bike weeks ago and the major manufacturers have already had their press junkets. For me it was the opportunity to race Cross Vegas.

For many people Cross Vegas has become the kick off cyclocross event for 2010/2011 season. Many of the big name domestic pros are in attendance as well as a few Europeans. Also, there are beer gardens and the spectators embrace the Euro cyclocross excitement with clanging bells, horns and drunk behavior – God I love it.

My build up to the event had, let’s just say, not been ideal. Personal issues as well as a nagging back injury all prevented me from being in any type of fitness. So three weeks out from the race I decided to go the complete opposite method of training: not prepare and just make a huge spectacle of myself. What this means was grabbing as much free beer from the spectators lining the orange fencing as possible. Now I had a plan.

Working on my third beer

Cannondale’s new full carbon SuperX was my weapon of choice. Weighing in at just over 15 pounds and with a sharp looking paint scheme the SuperX was just damn sexy. My buddies at Contour HD hooked me up with a HD video camera to capture the shit show that was going to be my cyclocross race. In my haste to attach it to the top of my Giro it was aimed toward the ground for most of my race, only catching the occasional flash of a rider passing me or my out reached hand grabbing beer on the uphill barriers section. Regardless I had a great time and pretty sure I made a bit of a spectacle of myself. The Cross Vegas race was streaming over the web and there were sightings of me walking up the barrier section with my plastic beer cup in hand – perfect.

I’ll figure out how to edit the the video and pick some highlights from my race such as stealing a guys beer and the pro ladies yelling at me to not spill it and my snappy reply of, “I’m a pro. I know what I’m doing.”

So even though I did not defend my 2008 Cross Vegas media category win, it was a victory for me. I ended up slightly buzzed, not bleeding and able to eat free soft tacos in the VIP area. That’s a score in my book.

I had initially planned on doing a Live Chat, up the internet connection is flaky plus there are so many things goin on here at the show it’s hard to pin down a time. However, I will be a guest on the Spokeman program that will be streaming live at 3:00 PM Pacific Time where I will be entertaining and germane. Check it out on the Interbike site – I’m sure there’s a link for it somewhere. Also, follow my Twitter (Neilroad) as I will be updating when I get more information.

UPDATE

Here’s the link for Interbike TV where the Spokesmen show will be broadcast.

I want to start off by saying thank you to everyone that sent me a message or told me that they were thinking about my dad. It was truly remarkable the outpouring of kind words – it meant a lot.

My twice a week blog for Versus Cycling has been one reason why writing for my own personal blog here has become increasingly rare, usually just for some random Floyd Landis interview that might be a bit too much for the Versus lawyers to handle. The other reason shows a bit more of my serious side – yes, there’s more to me than armadillos and beer drinking.

As a resident of the southeast I was surprised there wasn’t one organized cycling web site that contained race announcements as well as local cycling news like we had back in Southern California. So with that in April CarolinaCyclingNews.com was founded. The site lists all the cycling activities as well as cycling news in the southeast region. With the professional cycling championships taking place this weekend in Greenville it was a perfect opportunity to partner with Hincapie Sportswear and do a live chat. The weekend of US Pro coverage presented by Hincapie Sportswear will get kicked off at 9:00pm Friday with a live chat from Carolina Cycling News HQ here in Greenville, SC. We’ll continue providing live coverage all weekend through Sunday. In the live chat there will be video and photos from our many Carolina Cycling News corespondents from various points on the course. This will be the best way to stay on top of all the action over the race weekend.

Our company Browne Eye Media will be attending Interbike next week and will bring you live shenanigans through our live chat here at my Browne Eye blog. I’ll also be covering Interbike for Versus.com, so watch for my daily posts. I’ll be returning to CrossVegas although due to lack of training my racing may end in a spectacular crash followed by beer drinking.

Drinking games are almost a rite of passage for a member of the Browne family. In honor of my Irish dad I’m sharing this version of the family tradition which combines two things he loves: watching the Tour de France and drinking.

If you are participating in my Versus Tour de France daily online live chat (and if you’re not shame on you!) print out the list below (or view it on the Browne Eye Mobile app) and on the corresponding stage listen for Paul and Phil’s catch phrase or random comment. When you hear the phrase take a strong pull on your morning beverage of choice. Depending on the stage and my mood, I may be drinking a bloody mary, coffee chased with espresso and/or my fav beer of the week.

One added caveat to this game is that you are not allowed to leave and relieve yourself of any internal biological pressure that may be building due to the inordinate amount of liquid you are ingesting. What I mean is you can’t get up to pee – you need to hold it.

Also, some phrases are worth double gulps**, so be prepared with enough of your beverage to continue throughout the whole stage. If you run out of your drink before the stage is over is considered a rookie move and shows a lack of planning. Don’t be that guy – plan ahead.

For the hard core players, I’m adding the option of drinking a Red Dragon for sightings of the infamous Devil.

As an added bonus I’ve included a couple of Tour de France ring tones. Amaze your cycling friends and annoy your co-workers with the Versus Cycling theme song and a Tour de France car horn. (To use these as your ringtones, download the files to your PC desktop and drag them into your iTunes library.  For further assistance, I suggest Googling for instructions.)

Leipheimer - winner of Gila or part of the conspiracy?

Once again I need to step in and sort shit out and this time it’s the Tour of the Gila. This proud race was on the verge of extinction until SRAM stepped in with some much needed sponsorship dollars. To further pump life back into this New Mexico stage race Armstrong and crew for the past two years have added this event to their calendar as they ramp up their training for the Tour of California. Plus Gila has podium girls with sick tatts. Talk about a score! With all that going for it you’d think that they might have somewhat organized results. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so like I said, I have stepped in to sort this shit-show out.

First off let’s get to the bottom of the final general classification. There is the obvious snafu during the podium awards. David Zabriskie is brought onto the stage for third overall and then after the ceremony is over there’s a “do-over” and Phil Zajicek is brought onto the podium and he’s awarded third instead. According to the “officials” he beat DZ by nine seconds in the stage. This is where it gets mathematically strange. Zabriskie had a ten second buffer over the Fly V rider at the start of the stage. I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson, but even I know that doesn’t add up. There’s only one way to solve this dilemma in a civilized manner – poetry slam. First round consists of rhyming about their last names. Second round’s theme is slams against each others directors and final slam is crowd choice. Best two out of three is third place overall in general classification.

Landis - the true winner of Gila

There was some controversy regarding the second and third place finishers of today’s stage. French Canadian photojournalist Lyne Lamoureux has been attending all the major American races this year, tweeting results and writing race reports. She had her trigger finger on the trusty Canon as riders crossed the finish line. Her finish line photo clearly shows Rob Britton of Bissell rolling across for second and on his rear wheel is Max Jenkins for third. The race officials didn’t see it that way and swapped the results: Jenkins second, Britton third. It’s hard to dispute photographic evidence but I think it might go deeper than that. I suspect a French Canadian conspiracy afoot and Lamoureux is trying to spread discontent among the riders with a doctored photo! I see no other alternative but to let the results stand, deport Lamoureux and not allow her into the country until she eliminates at least half of those vowels from her name. Clearly she added the “x” just to mess with us.

Because of this obvious French Canadian conspiracy I also truly doubt that Leipheimer really won. Why should I believe anything at this point? The only logical winner is Floyd Landis of OUCH/Bahati Foundation. So there you go Tour of the Gila – problem solved.

And the best excuse you could come up with was snow? Next stop, Tour of California.