Being at the Tour of Missouri delayed me slightly in crowning my douche-bag of the month award. While at the Tour I encountered several more douche-like moments that I thought would change my mind. For example, the local reporter who demanded that the press room should be quiet and then pitched a fit when it wasn’t. News flash buddy, you’re the reporter for the Rolla Bee, not the New York Times. Swallow that painful realization that you’re stuck writing about Buddy the 400 pound pig at the state fair and will never make it to the big show. You probably just suck. Accept it. Then there was the lady on my flight home who had to continually get up due to some medical malady. I don’t blame her for whatever ails her, but why did you pick the f’ing middle isle than! However I have decided to stick with my original douche of the month. With statements like, “Bringing a bike to Interbike is counter productive,” and “Cross Vegas will get in the way of my drinking.” and finally, “I will only beat you anyways” the douche of the month goes to my BFF from Bicycling Magazine. The guy was literally doing 150 mile training rides in the Alps last week as I was stuffing myself with media room sandwiches and he has the nerve to say he doesn’t want to race. So my challenge to him is to sack-up, don’t be a douche, and race.

Well I’m proud to say that my BFF finished the Canadian TransRockies mountain bike stage race. For a moment I thought he might say f’ it and quit, however he dug deep and completed it several hours behind the winner. Mike states in his last blog post that he is amazed that Specialized rented an RV for him. Mike is too modest. Mike wields a huge amount of power in the cycling industry. One word from him and a companies’ $600 hybrid is either going to be the most successful bike ever or the albatross around their neck bringing them to the brink of bankruptcy. So don’t believe his self effacing ways, I know better. In his blog Mike seemed to be disgusted by the fact that human waste had been dumped in front of his RV. I know Mike and out of the two things in life he loves, talking about feces is one of them. And like a pig in slop, he probably couldn’t have been happier to see that biological disaster at his front door. He’s filthy that way.

Anyways congratulations and you actually didn’t suck too bad this time. Now man-up and do Vegas ‘Cross!

My BFF

For those who, on a whim, clicked my link from Mike Cushionbury’s blog at Bicycling.com and is looking for the best bikes under $600, tips to climb faster in ten days or some feel good story, immediately hit the “back” button. For those intrepid readers who are Bicycling Magazine readers I congratulate you for continuing. Now you might be wondering why Cush has linked me to his massive Bicycling Magazine site. Cush and I have a back-story. We’ve known each other for over 15 years when we both worked in retail hell at a bike shop. Somehow we’ve stayed in the industry one way or another. Cush has been in the magazine side much longer than me and is truly a seasoned veteran of the publishing game. And right now he is doing some mountain bike stage race in Canada from which he is blogging. And I’m sure he’ll have delightful stories of overcoming adversity. Let me give you the real scoop. He’s done these types of events before and I admire him for lining up. However Cush chokes more times than a two dollar whore. Now I really do love the guy, but in one stage race he dropped out 40 minutes into the first stage! What the hell! Now somehow he’s suckered Specialized to let him race on some kind of mountain bike. Just to be clear, Cush on his worst day with me on my best and he’d still stomp mud holes in me on the bike. In my own defense Cush’s job at Bicycling is to just be Cushionbury. Editorially wise his day is filled with writing pithy sentences on what’s hot or not on some bike or how he’s riding something cool and you’re not. My day is filled with phone calls, conducting interviews, transcribing, writing reviews and miscellaneous crap that pops up. That doesn’t leave me with a lot of training time. Our typical phone call exchanges go like this;

Cush: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Working.”

Cush: “I just got done doing the lunch ride on the new (insert new bike or product here).”

Me: “Go screw yourself!”

Cush: “Hey, what’s your little magazine’s circulation? I think we give away more than you sell.”

Me: “God I hate you!”

Magazine circulation is a penis measuring contest. It’s kind of a secret, but you also want everyone to know how big it is.

Bicycling Magazine readers don’t despair. He’s been doing some top secret training with Floyd Landis while checking out the new Dura-Ace electronic shifters. And I’m sure he won’t quit right away so continue to read his posts. I really do hope my little buddy finishes. I will also continue to read his posts and break down the b.s. and give you the real scoop.

Actual vinyl records. He also had cassettes

I’m helping Bicycling Mag guy Mike Cush move. He’s leaving SoCal for the home office of Bicycling in Emmaus. What an idiot! Anyways he has a lot of crap including actual records and 20 year old issues of MBA.