Floyd Landis discusses his plans with a trusted confidant after officially retiring from pro cycling. Cyclist’s best friend, The Beazed is excited about the future and is ready to attack the next challenge.
~~A Must-See Browne Eye Media Super-Exclusive Video~~

Articulate, crazy, bi-polar, and annoying (!!!) are all words that have been used to describe Floyd Landis. Recently the former Tour de France winner traveled to Australia as a guest of an anti-doping conference. Officials and some riders were upset thinking that Landis’ presence at the conference would overshadow the World Championships. However Alberto Contador’s urine sample declared positive for clenbuterol was and continues to be the story. Meanwhile, Landis has quietly sat back and granted just a few brief interviews to the media as well as any squirrel that wanders into his backyard. Browne Eye Media was able to break into his Fortress of Solitude to answer a few hard hitting questions – what scares him, how he actually intends to raise money and the possibility of a social media blitz.

Browne Eye Media: ESPN’s Bonnie Ford noted that you had a Dr Suess book on a table. You’ve mentioned in our own past interviews some books you have read. Are there any new books on the Landis’ bookshelf?
Floyd Landis: I’m afraid of books.

Landis is no longer part of the sign holders union

Browne Eye Media: How did you meet Ms Ford and invite her to the shack?
Landis: She wasn’t invited. I ran into Ms Ford as I was washing her car and selling some towels I had jimmy’d with a coat hanger from the towel machine.

Browne Eye Media: In the background of your ESPN video there seems to be a forest. Is that the golf course, the landscape behind the car wash or a freeway underpass?
Landis: That’s something they added, I was in front of a green screen. I thought it would just be some kind of a Dr Seuss theme but I guess the “professionals” at ESPN had a better idea. I get very upset when someone photoshops my pictures just like Lance does and I’m in the process of trying to retain the Master of Disaster.

Browne Eye Media: You are going to use your Floyd Landis website as a site to replay donors. Can we expect other features on the site (pictures, blog….)?
Landis: No.

Browne Eye Media: To pay back donors will you be putting in extra shifts at the car wash or do some extra sign holding gigs at various golf courses?
Landis: I’ve since been banned from the Professional Sign Holders Association because of an anti-oxidant violation which I radically deny was in my organism. I tried sneaking onto the miniature golf course beside the carwash with a cardboard sign I had made but the manager threw out because it is only for “customers” according to him. Whatever that means.

Browne Eye Media: When can we expect a Facebook page so we can “Friend” you or add you to a Group?
Landis: I don’t understand the question?

Browne Eye Media: When you have to give a public statement you actually seem articulate. How heavily medicated are you during those brief moments?
Landis: Usually I do one or two transfusions just before an interview. Dealing with the out-of-competition nonsense by the PSHA has made it hard to use the good stuff. Also I eat a lot of plastic and keep the receipts.

Browne Eye Media: Does the common tree squirrel make for a good house pet or are they just for eating?
Landis: Well they can be temperamental but they don’t ask about Facebook or other books… Why are you always asking about books? There’s more to life than just books you know. This interview is over.

Let’s face it, Floyd Landis has changed his story a couple of times these past years. It’s ranged  from, “I didn’t take drugs” to, “Okay I did – fuck all of you!” All the while we keep waiting for another salacious article to drop hoping to satisfy our endless thirst for drama and intrigue. Well I’ve decided to eliminate the wait for the next shoe to drop. I’ve created my own Floyd Landis Doping Mad Libs. Just add your own word where it is bolded and presto – another brand new, jaw dropping story!

And like Floyd told me, maybe your story will be better than his and you’ll see it in the Wall Street Journal.

This Mad Lib was  created from text from Landis’ actual e-mail that was leaked regarding the 2002 Tour de France. I’ve got plenty of more e-mails where this came from so this game can go on for quite awhile.

I was instructed on how to use [drug] by [sports coach] during the during the [bike race] in June, after which I flew on a [vehicle] with [famous athlete] from the finish, I believe Grenoble, to [European city] at which point I was personally handed a box of 2.5 mg [drug] in front of his [significant other] who witnessed the exchange. About a week later, Doctor [name of a car company] performed an extraction of half a liter of [fluid] to be transfused back into me during the [bike race]. [Famous athlete] was not witness to the extraction but he and I had lengthy discussions about it on our [adjective] rides during which time he also explained to me the evolution of [drug] testing and how transfusions were now necessary due to the inconvenience of the new test. [Famous athlete] also divulged to me at that time that in the first year that the [drug] test was used he had been told by Doctor [name of car company], who had access to the new test, that he should not use [drug] anymore but he did not believe [famous doctor] and continued to use it. He later, while winning the [bike race], the month before the Tour de [European country], tested positive for [drug] at which point he and [name of a coach] flew to the [sports federation] headquarters and made a financial agreement with Mr. [German name] to keep the positive test hidden.

Landis on the prowl for cans

Out of the blue I received a phone call. My source – code name “Balls Deep” was on the other end speaking Pig Latin.

I’ll spare you the Pig Latin, but translated my contact relayed this exciting bit of information, “Word from behind the car wash is that Landis is riding again.”

What?! I made him repeat it again. My source is still recovering from a recent bike crash, so I thought the meds might be playing havoc with his mind.

“He’s racing in Nevada City. Talking about attempting to tie Armstrong for the amount of wins,” he excitedly explained.

“A friend of a friend who knew this guy said he heard Landis talking shit about how well his left-turning ability is. Plus he’s grown in a really bad ass goatee!”

Shit this was serious! A bad ass goatee is in Landis terms like a pirate ship running up it’s skull and crossbones flag – it means war.

The last communication I’d had from him was that he was holed up in his shack behind the car wash and thinking of going back to his “Quiet Please” sign holding career at the local golf course. “That job really helped me clear out the clutter in my mind,” Landis once told me in one of his contemplative moments. I had no idea he was thinking of throwing a leg over a bike again other than as a mode of transportation to pick up aluminum cans along the south bound I-5.

Bad ass goatee? Check!

I grabbed my phone and called the Floyd Landis hotline. Over the din of spray hoses and honking car horns signaling dried cars, Landis answered.

“What do you want?! I don’t have time for this right now – Hey douche your car is dry!”

I asked about what I heard and if this was true.

“Listen if I got something important to announce to the world I’m not going to tell someone whose website is slang for ‘ass!’ Shit I’ll talk to Wall Street Journal. They give me free copies which I use to line the walls of my shack. That paper is thick and absorbent.”

And then there was the click followed by a dial tone. My conversation was over. So is Floyd Landis racing in the Nevada City Classic? I don’t know, but if you’re in the area I’d grab a spot on the corner, grab a cold one and watch it all go by. That’s what I’ll be doing.

It’s been a week since I received the “Landis e-mail” and I feel like I’m in the scene from the movie Matrix when Morpheus warns Neo, “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

As I write this riders and managers are being investigated by not only their own national cycling federations but a federal investigation has also been opened. And to no one’s surprise all the parties involved have issued statements of denial. Innocent or guilty, Armstrong is going to be viewed with suspicion. For Landis he will go down in cycling history as the man who blew the whistle on the “code of silence” or the crazy guy who was tilting at windmills again. So with all this going on where does the sport go from here?

Read the rest of my post at on Versus.com.

I received the “e-mail” as we have started to call it in the press room while I was at the summit of Sierra Road on stage 4. I read the e-mail on my iPhone and put it back in my pocket. There was nothing I could do at this point and I had an assignment to complete, like interviewing the guy who rode his recumbent up the climb.

After the peloton passed over the top I jumped into my rental car and drove to the finish, not really paying attention to any e-mails. I entered the press room and there was a buzz in the room. A cycling news site had posted a vague story about the e-mail and was checking with sources before running the story. However, when the Wall Street Journal posted it online then, to quote Dave Towle, “It was on like Donkey Kong!” It was right then that I had no doubt this was going to be THE big story of the day and perhaps the week.

Read the rest of my post at on Versus.com.

I spoke to Floyd Landis exclusively this morning regarding the shocking e-mail that was received by several media outlets. In the e-mail, Landis accuses several current marquee riders, one being Lance Armstrong, of doping practices dating to 2002. The first thing Landis said to me was that he never distributed that e-mail to the media outlets. It was leaked, he claims, without his knowledge.

According to Landis, the original purpose of the leaked e-mail was to admit to doping and to demonstrate to the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) how drug doping was accomplished without detection. Landis claims he included others because he was trying to negotiate amnesty for himself and the riders named before supplying the dopers’ regimen to USADA.

Read the rest of my post at on Versus.com.

Leipheimer - winner of Gila or part of the conspiracy?

Once again I need to step in and sort shit out and this time it’s the Tour of the Gila. This proud race was on the verge of extinction until SRAM stepped in with some much needed sponsorship dollars. To further pump life back into this New Mexico stage race Armstrong and crew for the past two years have added this event to their calendar as they ramp up their training for the Tour of California. Plus Gila has podium girls with sick tatts. Talk about a score! With all that going for it you’d think that they might have somewhat organized results. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so like I said, I have stepped in to sort this shit-show out.

First off let’s get to the bottom of the final general classification. There is the obvious snafu during the podium awards. David Zabriskie is brought onto the stage for third overall and then after the ceremony is over there’s a “do-over” and Phil Zajicek is brought onto the podium and he’s awarded third instead. According to the “officials” he beat DZ by nine seconds in the stage. This is where it gets mathematically strange. Zabriskie had a ten second buffer over the Fly V rider at the start of the stage. I’m no Neil deGrasse Tyson, but even I know that doesn’t add up. There’s only one way to solve this dilemma in a civilized manner – poetry slam. First round consists of rhyming about their last names. Second round’s theme is slams against each others directors and final slam is crowd choice. Best two out of three is third place overall in general classification.

Landis - the true winner of Gila

There was some controversy regarding the second and third place finishers of today’s stage. French Canadian photojournalist Lyne Lamoureux has been attending all the major American races this year, tweeting results and writing race reports. She had her trigger finger on the trusty Canon as riders crossed the finish line. Her finish line photo clearly shows Rob Britton of Bissell rolling across for second and on his rear wheel is Max Jenkins for third. The race officials didn’t see it that way and swapped the results: Jenkins second, Britton third. It’s hard to dispute photographic evidence but I think it might go deeper than that. I suspect a French Canadian conspiracy afoot and Lamoureux is trying to spread discontent among the riders with a doctored photo! I see no other alternative but to let the results stand, deport Lamoureux and not allow her into the country until she eliminates at least half of those vowels from her name. Clearly she added the “x” just to mess with us.

Because of this obvious French Canadian conspiracy I also truly doubt that Leipheimer really won. Why should I believe anything at this point? The only logical winner is Floyd Landis of OUCH/Bahati Foundation. So there you go Tour of the Gila – problem solved.

And the best excuse you could come up with was snow? Next stop, Tour of California.

It’s been a full week for me and I’ve been pulled in numerous directions. Of course we have the Olympics in full swing, which has kept me captivated during prime time, the Team Type 1 training camp and banging out interviews with their riders, the Volta Algarve showing how well everyone’s off-season training is progressing, Landis on Larry King with his “exclusive” interview, and finally the event we were all waiting for – Tiger Woods’ apology. So with all that going on I’ve barely had time to write or even train. C’est la vie.

"All you're left with is a plaid thermos..." the wolfman

I took a quick trip south to Gainesville, Georgia to check in with the Team Type 1 boys. The local Holiday Inn was the site for their training camp and they took over the place. The exercise room was piled high with bike boxes and the mechanics building up the team issue Colnagos with full 7900 Dura-Ace. There are plenty of great bikes out there, but you really can’t go wrong with a Colnago. I sat down with the principle riders on the team, but I also spoke to Englishman, James Stout, a rider on the Team Type 1 development squad. He has an interesting background: Oxford graduate, PhD student in Spanish studies, teaching history at the University of San Diego, professional cat 3 racer, part-time model and possible terrorist. Hopefully soon I’ll transcribe the interview and post it. I honestly had a good time talking to him.

I was invited to ride with the team during the camp and I was prepared until the day’s route was outlined. It included several climbs that the Tour de Georgia featured. Also, the team would be riding “full gas” with hill-top primes. I did a gut check but still thought I’d tag along. Then when I woke up for the morning ride the outside temperature was about 26 degrees. Screw that! I hit the snooze button and went back to sleep.

Not all was lost as I banged out interviews when the riders returned and ran up the team’s bar tab in the hotel. Pretty standard stuff.

While I was there I was also in the middle of trying to post my “exclusive” interview with Floyd Landis. His name popped up in the international press as the French issued a failure to appear summons against him. This resulted in a media storm that amazed both Landis and myself. He still can’t believe that during the Olympics his computer hacking story was, at times, the lead! If you missed his Larry King interview it’s posted here.

Finally, the Volta Algarve must be sending tremors through the peloton. Contador takes today’s mountain stage with Leipheimer in third. Sure, the terrain is nothing compared to what Contador will face in July, but the mental games have begun.

After taking the leader’s jersey Contador said, “I am thrilled by the work that has been done by the team. Everything has gone perfect. I was able to finish the job, but victory is primarily because of my teammates.” While his individual performance was strong, I’m holding off judgment on the depth of the Astana Tour squad.

From race reports it looked like he had a lead-out to the bottom of the climb and he lit it up from there. The Cyclocosm blog pointed out an interesting quote from Armstrong back in 2004. I wonder how many sit-ups Platinum Fitness is making him bust out right now?

Wish me luck on this weekend’s racing. I’ll be toeing the line at the Greenville Spring Series and flying the flag for the Hincapie Development team. Tomorrow morning before my race I’m a guest once again on The FredCast podcast. I’ll try to be enlightening.

Mug shot of Landis? Photo: John Segesta

The breaking cycling news of the day was the report that the French had issued an international arrest warrant for Floyd Landis on the charge of computer hacking.  This news has driven Landis into hiding, forcing him to hurl his phone into the ocean as he feared that the GPS in his mobile would allow authorities to locate him. However, I was able to track Landis down and get answers to the questions that everyone is asking – what is an international arrest warrant, are you going to jail and how do you hack into a French computer?

Browne Eye: First off I’m concerned about my own welfare. You and I talk frequently – is there an international warrant out for me?
Floyd Landis: Most likely not, but we should definitely cut ties while I’m in hiding.

Browne Eye: Do I need to lawyer-up?
Landis: I don’t know what that means but it sounds like it might work.

Browne Eye: What is an international warrant?
Landis: As far as I can tell it’s a pretend document issued by WADA labs that tells the Pretend International Sherriff Station (PISS) to search for a criminal.

Browne Eye: How does this affect you dining at the International House of Pancakes?
Landis: Hopefully it doesn’t affect that but I can always fall back on Waffle House if I’m banned.

Browne Eye: I heard your international warrant might be upgraded to an intergalactic warrant. Can you shed some light on that?
Landis: Well I’m the only known human to ever have hacked into an Apple II-E using dial up and a supercharged fax machine so I’m a pretty big deal.

Browne Eye: Are you in hiding from the French police?

Bail bondsmen are on alert for Landis' international warrant

Landis: Right now I’m in a secure location and I’ve hacked into the FBI computers to check my email. I heard that the Canadian Royal Mounted Police Force may take on my case after they finish investigating how a guy died on a sled at 100 miles per hour and also figuring out how Georgia even got to the Olympics as a country. At that point I’ll probably go on the lam.

Browne Eye: Is Interpol after you?
Landis: Probably.

Browne Eye: Are the American authorities searching for you as well?
Landis: Yes, but I think that might be for other reasons.

Browne Eye: If you go to prison do you think you could survive?
Landis: I’m not sure. If it’s a French prison I should be fine.

Browne Eye: Do you know how to make a shiv out of common prison items (ex. pencil, paper, silverware)?
Landis: Yes.

Browne Eye: According to the press you have some fairly sophisticated skills – you’re a computer hacker and a professional athlete. You’re kinda like a Menonite James Bond. What other skills do you have? Are you actually a spy?
Landis: I’m more of a mercenary. I like money.

Browne Eye: Hypothetically speaking, how would a person hack into the French lab’s Apple II-E computer using transistors purchased from a RadioShack?
Landis: You need an old fax machine and some transistors from Radio Shack and you can make a mobile hacking machine.

Browne Eye: Is using a dial-up modem the best way to bust through a firewall?
Landis: Always.

Browne Eye: Are your hacking services for hire?
Landis: I like money.

Browne Eye: Would you be willing to quit the lucrative PGA “Quite Please” job?
Landis: Probably not but the PGA gig is too high profile now that I’m wanted.

Browne Eye: What’s your next hacking assignment?
Landis: I’m going to hack into the towel machine here at the carwash to steal the quarters so I have cash while I’m on the run.

Browne Eye: Do you even know how to use a computer other than for posting on Twitter?
Landis: Yes. I’ve even hacked into one of those old adding machines at one point and a xerox machine.

Browne Eye: Who are you racing for now?
Landis: No.

Browne Eye: Can I get you to race in a Browne Eye Media jersey?
Landis: Yes, I would gladly do that.

Browne Eye: What’s your next move?
Landis: I’ll probably surrender under my own recognizance or whatever you call that. That seems like the best choice.

Browne Eye: You talk of your love of  money – there seems to be a relationship between time and money.
Landis: There does appear to be a linear relationship. I raced in Arizona on Saturday and because I didn’t sign in I was given a choice of a 20 dollar fine or a 30 second penalty so the relationship is $40/1 minute.

Browne Eye: Is there a way of negotiating my way up the general classification at a race?
Landis: Yes. You just need to apply this formula: X=Y x 40 where Y is the time you need to make up times the number of racers you need to overtake and X is your cost in dollars.

UPDATE:
Browne Eye: Are you racing for Rock?
Landis: No? I’m big time now.

Landis is scheduled to be on Larry King Live tomorrow night. Every time he says “Browne Eye” take a drink.

FURTHER UPDATES
I have very recently received photos from photographer T Love that seem to be chronicling Landis’ movements in and around the New York area. I received no information on the context of the photos and at this point I’m only speculating what might be occurring. I’m only filling in the blanks with the information I have at hand.

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